I’m ugly and a shitty person and I’m thinking of turning to drugs. The freak who spends all his time drawing and not talking to anyone. The freak who dresses in old ugly clothes and shaved their head and has the biggest ugliest nose. The freak who doesn’t do homework and weasels out of it. The freak who’s always showing off how smart they are. Freak freak freak who hangs out with the scary druggie kid and does weird shit. I want a pet that will truly love me so I can feel like I’m actually doing something. I’m tired and overwhelmed and depressed and I feel like no one is listening as I’m drowning in this anxiety. Right now, I only have 2 close friends, and one of them lives out of state at a boarding school, so I never get to see them.
I just want someone or something that I know loves me and depends on me because I would matter to someone and I would be able to tell them I love them. My cat never sits with me or lets me pet her, and my dog growls at me if I even come within 5 feet of him. I don’t think I’ll be able to survive without my mom, she’s the only person who I think truly loves me. I can’t take being alone without anyone to hold me or tell me they love me. I’m going to college next year and that also scares me. I’ve spent countless hours creating worlds and characters that don’t have to be lonely and I vicariously live through them. Better yet, I’m getting a crush on a guy in my graphic design class and I want to talk to him and stuff but i can’t.
I desperately crave human touch but I’m fucked up from a past relationship that was abusive and touched me so much it made me uncomfortable with others even touching my hand. I have done everything I can to hide this from my family but it’s taking me over now.
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